I debated for a long time whether I should post this or not, and decided that for my own posterity, it is better not to omit.
I canceled my PT appointment today. Since my last appointment on Monday, I had an interview with a great company across the country (which I did not get), signed a lease (in the location of the job I did get), called every company to cancel service for our move, called every company in the other state to set up new service, dealt with the blow back from my husband putting in his notice, drove back to our home town to sever a few ties and start new ones for the move, officially announced our move on facebook, had the first of many going away dinners, and of course, started packing. Did you get all that? Basically, it has been a busy week and a half.
But that is still an excuse. I am busy, I have always been busy, and I will always be busy. I am procrastinating on the issue that has controlled my life completely for the past year, because I am afraid it will still hurt. And for that I hate myself.
I think back to every time I waited for an anniversary, or some big event to make my first time “special”, avoiding coming to the realization there was actually something wrong with me for YEARS. Three years to be exact. And now I’ve had the surgery, made it through the emotional hell that was recovery and job postponement, and now I am becoming that person I was before — the girl that is “too busy” to notice the days, weeks, months flying by her.
I can’t go back to that place. I just can’t.
I know that it will never get better if I don’t try. So now, with the help of my husband, am back on a mandatory schedule. No more “when I feel like it”, because I will probably never feel like it. I am scheduling it in. No more excuses of being busy, because it is now part of my daily schedule. My next (and final) PT appointment is next Tuesday, right before seeing my surgeon’s assistant for the last time. I will have to update my address and get their referrals to new doctors. I think I will be sad. But the hope is that, with my new schedule, I will make progress before those appointments and have a much better idea of what I need help with before my mandatory hiatus.
Wish me luck. Updates soon.
vestibulitis support 